It All Happens In The Dark

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Three’s Company

The original Night of the Demons (1988) was trash, but enjoyable, ridiculously fun trash. The 2009 remake is just trash.

To pay homage to the original, we do have Linnea Quigley redonning her pink tutu and flashing her ass for all to see once again… this time while handing out candy to trick-or-treaters. And Linnea’s original little lipstick-nip trick gets a very “fresh” update.

The storyline is mostly the same – Angela (played here by Shannon Elizabeth) throws a big Halloween bash in a spooky house with a sordid history. But there is an open bar, so why complain? This time however the cops show up and spoil everybody’s fun. Good thing there are some demons in the basement still looking for a good time.

Not everyone leaves, even though the cops asked nicely. Unfortunately one of those who does not skedaddle is Edward Furlong. He is a drug dealer (I mean, uh, he plays one here) and he tosses his stash when the cops pop by to say hi, so now it is off to retrieve it from the basement. Where bodies are discovered. Or… skeletons. But… they’re demons, too. It doesn’t make much sense.

Twenty-eight minutes into the movie and Edward Furlong has his drugs and says, “Don’t worry, I’m out of here.” I pray to the gods of Halloween, this is true. Please let his role have been a cameo.

Damn it Halloween gods. What have I ever done to you? He’s back already and it hasn’t even been sixty seconds.

While Angela is trying to lift a gold tooth from one of the skeletons/corpses/demons she is bitten and boy does she start acting funny. Maybe that cheap ass wig is just getting to her. She’s probably just overheated. Oh, wait, she’s just horny.

I watched this entire film under the impression that Carmen Electra was playing the Suzanne character. Oh, and how wrong I was. It was Bobbie Sue Luther dressed up as Carmen Electra dressed up as a cat. I’m kind of disappointed now. I was even going to say that Carmen Electra gave the best performance in the film and then make a little joke about how bad the movie must be if that is the case… and now I can’t. OK, well, I’ll have to bash Edward Furlong some more then.

This is NOT Carmen Electra.

So… Angela is super horny but Carmen Bobbie Suzanne has already warned Maddy (Monica Keena) and Lily (Diora Baird, rivaling Ms. Keena as of late as the Direct to DVD queen) that this is all par for the course.

But not par for the course is Angela growing claws or her eyes glowing a golden yellow (she’s a winter).

This is NOT a normal hand.

It it about forty minutes until we see any form of demon or even a drop of blood. And what the hell are they wasting our time with? Not character development.

I was going to give this one a much harsher review if you can believe that. “Inept” was going to be used. But then something happened. I saw THE. WORST. MOVIE. EVER. It is called Cannibal Holocaust. And while watching that absolutely worthless waste I started to have fond memories of the Night of the Demons remake. Even though the director and writer of NOTD-09 were indeed, inept, I realized it could be so much worse. I thought of NOTD-09’s tacky effects and make-up and I was charmed. I remembered the hapless, brainless NOTD-09 characters and my heart warmed. I’d rather watch Night of the Demons every day for the rest of my life than ever have to see Cannibal Holocaust again.

This is NOT Igor.

(Now, if you have not seen or heard of Cannibal Holocaust, I fear my trashing of it may serve to pique your interest. And if you are like me, your curiosity will get the better of you and you will have a great desire to see what exactly makes it is so awful. If you are also like me you will really regret doing it, and will hate yourself in the morning. I will now be wrapping this up so I can excuse myself to watch three hours of Golden Girls reruns to help me forget.)

And now… a first here at It All Happens In The Dark. Three ratings in one:

Night of the Demons (1988): C+

Night of the Demons (2009): D

Cannibal Holocaust (1980): F 

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